RULES FOR RIFF RAFF THANKSGIVING DINNER (VIOLATORS WILL BE TOWED AT THEIR EXPENSE!)

RULES FOR RIFF RAFF THANKSGIVING DINNER (VIOLATORS WILL BE TOWED AT THEIR EXPENSE!)

IT’S OFFICIAL: I’M A GROWNUP.  FOR THE FIRST TIME IN HISTORY, I WILL BE HOSTING THANKSGIVING DINNER FOR MY IMMEDIATE FAMILY, OLD & NEW FRIENDS. I AM IN A BRAND SPANKING NEW APARTMENT AND SINCE I AM STILL INTERVIEWING ROOMMATES I HAVE THE WHOLE PLACE TO MYSELF (OR TO MY FRIENDS DOGS, HER AND MYSELF I SHOULD SAY!) SOOOOO OF COURSE MY REFRIGERATOR DOOR JUST FELL OFF 2 DAYS AGO. YUP. LIKE OFF THE HINGES - LIKE I CAN'T OPEN IT. LIKE OFF. AND NOW I AM WAITING TO HEAR IF THERE IS A PART LOCALLY TO FIX IT OR IF THE OWNER IS ORDERING A NEW ONE - WHICH MAY OR MAY NOT BE HERE BEFORE THANKSGIVING. 

AWESOME! BECAUSE EVERYONE KNOWS IT'S SUPER EASY TO PREPARE FOR THE BIGGEST FEAST OF THE YEAR WITHOUT A FRIDGE OR WORKING OVEN... ANYWAYS IT'S CALLED RIFF RAFF THANKSGIVING. JUST BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I WANTED TO CALL IT - I INVITED JUST ABOUT EVERYONE WHO'S CLOSE BY AND IN THE BUILDING, A FEW OLD FRIENDS FROM COLUMBIA - GENERAL STUDIES PROGRAM AND OF COURSE THOSE REQUIRED INVITEES: FAMILY. LOL



OH, THANKSGIVING. THE HOLIDAY THAT RECOGNIZES THAT THE ONLY WAY WE CAN STAND TO BE AROUND FAMILY IS TO EMOTIONALLY EAT OURSELVES INTO A TRYPTOPHAN-INDUCED STATE OF APATHY. BOUNDARIES ARE PUSHED. FEELINGS ARE HURT. THERE'S NO CLEAR-CUT ETIQUETTE, NO COLLECTIVE LIST OF THINGS THAT COULD BE AVOIDED TO MAKE THANKSGIVING MORE THAN JUST SOMETHING WE ENDURE THROUGH EXCESSIVE INTAKE OF CRANBERRIES...

UNTIL NOW...

RULES FOR RIFF RAFF (VIOLATORS WILL BE TOWED AT THEIR EXPENSE!)

THOU SHALT NOT SHOW UP LATE WITHOUT CALLING/TEXTING AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. IF YOUR EXCUSE ISN'T DECENT, THEN MAKE ONE UP.


THOU SHALT NOT SHOW UP EMPTY HANDED - EVERYONE BRINGS SOMETHING!


THOU SHALT TELL DAD & MOM HOW DELICIOUS THE ORGANIC, LOCALLY RAISED - FREE RANGE, ANTIBIOTIC FREE TURKEY IS. ESPECIALLY BECAUSE IT COST QUITE A BIT MORE THEN YOUR STANDARD TYSON BIRD! 

THOU SHALL GIVE THANKS FOR THE TURKEY'S LIFE


THOU SHALL INFORM THE HOSTESS OF FOOD ALLERGIES, PET ALLERGIES, AND THE NEED FOR DIRECTIONS AT LEAST 48 HOURS BEFORE THE MEAL. PREFERABLE EARLIER THEN THAT.


THOU SHALT NOT TRY TO MESS WITH MY FOOD WHILE I COOK, CHOP, PREP ETC OR THOU RISK BEING MOVED TO BACK OF THE LINE. I DECIDE WHO EATS LAST BASED UPON WHO ACTS THE MOST ORNERY.


THOU SHALT NOT SAY:"CAN I MAKE A SUGGESTION" ON THURSDAY WHILE I PREPARE FOR GUESTS.

THE REVEREND LEADS THE THANKSGIVING PRAYER. IT WILL BE AS LONG OR AS SHORT AS SHE DAMN WELL WANTS.  IT MAY INVOLVE AUDIENCE PARTICIPATION, INTERPRETATIVE DANCE OR EVEN ROLE PLAY.  BUT IT’S ALL HERS. DEAL!










RIFF RAFF HOUSE RULE: WE’RE GOING TO HAVE A BOX FOR CHARITY ON THE TABLE.  NO MONEY, NO FOOD. THIS YEAR IT'S GOING TO A LOCAL WHO IS BATTLING CHRONIC LYME - SHE WAS ALSO ONE OF MY CAMPERS 14 YEARS AGO. THOU SHALT DIG DEEP INTO THY POCKETS



THOU SHALL SAY WHAT YOU ARE THANKFUL FOR EVEN IF THE FOODS GETTING COLD. NO THANKS, NO GETTING YOUR GRUB 

THOU SHALT NOT ASK WHEN SOMEONE IS GOING TO GET MARRIED/HAVE A BABY/GRADUATE FROM COLLEGE/FIND A JOB. WE'RE ALL ALREADY DEALING WITH THE SHAME OF HAVING EATEN MORE FOOD IN ONE SITTING THAN PEOPLE IN OTHER COUNTRIES GET IN A MONTH, WE DON'T NEED THE ADDITIONAL GUILT RIGHT NOW.


THOU SHALL SPEAK TO PEOPLE YOU DO NOT KNOW WITH KINDNESS AND INTEREST AND WELL PAST THE POINT OF BRIEF INTRODUCTIONS.

THOU SHALT NOT JUDGE, SCOLD, BELLOW OR GRIP.


THOU SHALT NOT INSIST THAT SOMEONE "TRY" A DISH THEY OBVIOUSLY DON'T WANT, UNLESS YOU WANT TO HEAR ABOUT THE DETAILS OF THEIR IRRITABLE BOWEL SYNDROME. 



THOU SHALT NOT ASK WHEN SOMEONE IS GOING TO GET MARRIED/HAVE A BABY/GRADUATE FROM COLLEGE/FIND A JOB. WE'RE ALL ALREADY DEALING WITH THE SHAME OF HAVING EATEN MORE FOOD IN ONE SITTING THAN PEOPLE IN OTHER COUNTRIES GET IN A MONTH, WE DON'T NEED THE ADDITIONAL GUILT RIGHT NOW.


THOU SHALT NOT TAKE PICTURES OF PEOPLE EATING. NO ONE EVER SAYS, "I REALLY LIKE THIS PICTURE YOU TOOK OF ME DESPERATELY SHOVELING TOO MUCH PIE IN MY FACE."

University of Kansas football team. Thanksgiving Day, 1896.

THOU SHALT NOT ASK STUPID QUESTIONS ABOUT THE MECHANICS OF FOOTBALL DURING FOOTBALL. 


THOU SHALT NOT DRINK AND DRIVE - EVEN IF YOU GET PUT IN A TIMEOUT IF I INVITED YOU I EITHER LOVE YOU OR LIKE YOU OR BOTH SO I WANT YOU AROUND AWHILE!







THERE IS TO BE NONE OF THE FOLLOWING...
WHEN IT DOES HAPPEN ESPECIALLY WITH MY FOLKS I AM ALLOWED TO PUT THEM IN A TIME OUT IN THE BACK HALLWAY FOR UP TO 2 MINS. PENALTY BOX STYLE. YOU DON'T LIKE IT - LEAVE YOUR FOOD AND TAKE YOUR FUSSY SELF INTO ANOTHER ROOM. AND IF I CAN HEAR YOU COMPLAINING ABOUT ME OR ANYONE ELSE IT STILL COUNTS EVEN IF YOU AREN'T TALKING TO ME: NO COMPLAINTS, NO BIG SIGHS, NO GRIPPING, MOANING, GROANING, RUDENESS, PUT DOWNS, YELLING, STOMPING, STAMPING, ANGER IN GENERAL, CONFRONTATION EITHER BEFORE DURING OR AFTER THE MEAL 

THOU SHALT NOT TELL ME I CAN'T HAVE ANOTHER GLASS OF WINE. IT'S MY PARTY & I AM NOT DRIVING. IF I WANT 2 OR 3 DRINKS I AM GOING TO ENJOY THEM & THE OCCASION. I AM A BIG GIRL.

I HOST SO OTHERS DO THE DISHES - OR THEY WAIT UNTIL FRIDAY. DEPENDS HOW I FEEL IF I AM TRYING TO GET RID OF ANYONE OF THE RULE BREAKERS EARLY

THOU SHALL HELP WITH THE CLEAN-UP, OR THOU SHALL FIND ALL OF THE DISHES IN YOUR CAR OR APARTMENT!

THE HOUSE KEEPS THE LEFTOVERS : )

LIKE LEFTOVERS RIGHT?

AS ALWAYS I WISH YOU ALL NOTHING BUT A HAPPY, HEARTY & HEALTHY DAY & NIGHT! Y'ALL COME BACK NOW YOU HEAR? PEACE FRIENDS, AUDREY