“To share your weakness is to make yourself vulnerable; to make yourself vulnerable is to show your strength.” ~Criss Jami
If I had read this a decade ago I would not have found it nearly as poignant. This year however, it comes right on time. I realize that much of my success this year would not have happened if it weren't for the painful and sometimes embarrassing vulnerabilities I have shared with others throughout the last 13 months. One of the things I am trying to learn is to stop apologizing and being ashamed in the first place, for my illness and the oftentimes, odd symptoms it brings with it. I am strong in mind and spirit but completely NOT in control of Lyme disease, or the affects that medications have on me. I am sure many can relate but it's different to read and understand then it is when you live with this knowledge daily & you are fighting demons that come from Lyme bacteria. I am still impatient, emotional and have a tough time handing over the reigns to anyone let alone to Lyme disease. Had I done this I also would not be here fighting the good fight. One of the paradoxes I am trying to live with is this idea that it's okay to be vulnerable - sometimes it's the only way- and meanwhile I have to be strong, independent, motivated and expect nothing from anyone but myself in this fight. Anything good that comes from another, or an outside source is wonderful and I am grateful for it but to live with unfair or false expectations will also lead to much stress, strain, and unhappiness. SO this year I am working on balance - on airing my grievances without letting them take over my thoughts 24/7 - on letting go & holding on - on doing everything I can to fight and loving myself enough to know some of this is completely out of my hands - on saying I can do it & help me in the same day... it's a lot to handle. Trying to be mindful, fair, gentle and strong yourself - it's enough to make lesser people lose their minds. But the more you work at it (
like most things) the greater the pay off.
I have a feeling this is one of those chapters I won't see the end of - not if I'm smart smart. I will work on these issues til the day I die. Including my fears and anxieties about being vulnerable. I am finally the strength in it for myself. I commend myself for not just surviving but at times really thriving this past year. None of this would have happened if it weren't for those scary and stressful times when I have allowed other in to see the Lyme at its worst and have at times asked for help. I loathe that this is a part of my life but I am learning to handle it appropriately. I realize in many ways I have been pushing with all my might against a door that is clearly marked "pull"! Great effort Audrey but maybe not the best way to go about it. Here's a great excerpt from tiny Buddha I want to share (http://tinybuddha.com/blog/weak-actually-key-becoming-strong/) Strength is commendable but smarts win every time. I'd like be both strong and smart in my Lyme battles!
"It was then that I realized that in my efforts to be strong, I had been denying myself the very feelings I’d wanted to experience all along.
Too often, we build walls around ourselves in the midst of grief, pain, or challenges, inflating ourselves up to be proud people who don’t need anyone’s help, people who are getting by just fine, people who are strong enough to weather the storm on their own.
We close ourselves off to feeling anything in the name of self-preservation. We distance ourselves from emotions that by all means scare us because of how weak, vulnerable, incapable, or unable they may make us seem to our loved ones.
However, it’s only through allowing ourselves to embrace that weakness and it’s only through allowing ourselves to feel those daunting emotions that we invite love in to strengthen us.
It’s actually a beautiful thing for someone to be weak for that reason, because in that weakness, we rely and depend on others to build us up again, to make us strong, to comfort and encourage us."
I am proud that I have overcome this hurdle - or am actively doing so I should say and hope that this perspective aids others along the way. You have nothing to be ashamed of in sickness or in health and once this registers and we begin to believe it we will all be a lot happier and healthier mentally! Be strong but be smart my friends and don't hesitate to make yourself vulnerable - if other people can't handle it that's on them, as long as you can you're doing fine.
Thanks so very much for visiting Between Health and Wealth Avenues. I hope you will take a moment to click JOIN THIS SITE, or ADD MEMBER to the right if you plan on visiting again. It only takes a moment. I am pleased to inform you this blog is now being read in 19 countries and I am proud to have each and everyone of you on board. But I'd like to know who's out there reading this - have a face or name for you all so I hope you'll join this site, follow me on facebook and pinterest and twitter and let me know how you found me. HAVE A HAPPY, HEALTHY & HOPEFUL DAY EVERYONE! Blessings! - Audrey
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