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| ONE POST TO RULE THEM ALL & BETWEEN HEALTH & WEALTH AVES, BIND THEM! |
Okay folks so as many of you know I am hard core!
I am! And I've been battling bigger and badder beasts of burden neurologically speaking, these past few months. It stinks to be honest. I'd rather it be the opposite & have less to battle! It's not fair! I wish the Lyme had never come to me. But so do all who live to see such Lyme times, as a wiseman once said! So with that knowledge, and some brief whining earlier about how much Lyme sucks... everything sucks balh blah blah I got back to the battle. Round 7, 349, I believe. You'd have to ask the spirochetes honestly. I decided that it was time to take the gloves of, and go hobbit on cave troll style... you may have the advantage but I have the heart, mind & awesomeness to beat you. You could skewer a wild boar with this bacteria but there's more to me then meets the eye.
I went hardcore here. It's what I do. It's always been there-long before Lyme but the bacteria didn't know that mixing with my blood gives it a distinct disadvantage because my blood is awesome. It's precious yes? But it's unnatural to have them there. I went hardcore awesome on blogging. Just to say - you didn't win. Not at all. Not yet!
Having missed a few posts and with the holidays upon us I am sure many are stressed, sad, suffering and severly in need of great reads... and maybe a good ole rant too just to help take your mind off what you are missing, where you want to be, or how you wish you felt this evening or tomorrow morning or anytime. So to commemorate an epic month, epic year, and uncool Lyme situation with the ole self I give you ONE POST TO RULE THEM ALL.
(Post Length Advisory warning: if you have trouble reading an entire tweet you may want to take a breath. We are about to go on an adventure... It's not my fault or intentional. I can't turn off my awesomeness!!! Even when I wish I was more mediocre, way less intelligent, and mostly just less anxious about it all it won't give in so I accept my awesomeness and if you are willing and able I invite you on this quest. There may or may not be dragons. There WILL be ticks. No bare hobbit feet please)
Well guess what here I am, exhausted - and honestly this is one of my biggest commitments now - the blog itself - and I won't be happy until I get one well written and sincere blog post written. Now let me explain what happens to an overachieving, under suceeding adult with ADHD who also has neurological Lyme when she is overtaxed, over tired & under the gun...
I have begun and written parts of posts that range between 1 quote and 3 typed pages of "post" at least 6-7 times this week. Not been able to get from the start through the meat of it and then finish my writing, add pictures, spell check & read at least once before I hit that "publish" box since last week. Have I written - yup. Have I wanted to? Most times. And do I have I have anything to share when I feel my worst - yeah. And not just what I feel like, what symptoms I have or how unfair life is either though there are many points that I could have gone there. SO you should consider my lack of posts a bit of a present instead of neglect. LOL!!! And now you get an extra groovy Christmas special that ranges from frodo to Fox News - so put on your santa hat & pop in the Lord of the Rings soundtrack & enjoy!
I have had an epic week & am way overtired & now over caffeinated too - committed to finishing this post the minute I felt inspiration & excitement; felt it pouring out of me & not fighting with me while I fight the symptoms, pain, fatigue, or frustration like most of the past week, I literally sat back an hour ago looked at paragraph after paragraph expecting to get to a point, tie it together, add some photo's and bada bing. Okay so apparently this is more of a soap crate then a soap box piece of writing. It just happened! But it felt good to write, and what I wrote this time was pretty much exactly as I'd have said it were y'all here to enjoy my random Tolkien references while listening to James Brown- though sadly you don't get my facial expressions or great music catalogue here you also have not been here to watch me type like a maniac for 5 hours and sing, occasionally dance & fight fatigue by narrating parts as I write as if it's a voice over for the next big romantic dramedy. So you are denied some of my more colorful language & sadly, my amazing music played at a healthy volume which means robust. So next time you are wanting to tell someone to turn it down, feel free to give a gift from me here BETWEEN HEALTH & WEALTH AVENUES to the volume culprits. Instead of banging on the door, or yelling at your loudest "turn it down" please take a breath, & calmly go over, look stern and determined and slowly turn it up. Then turn around and strike a pose. Congratulations you just re-gifted & it's a good one too...
This is for my readers. With all my guts, glory, and some pretty groovy tunes too... which have included Ray Charles, David Bowie, Alt-J, Beck & Coldplay (limited myself to 5 or less musical shout outs or there'd be another 8 pages of just to name bands I heard today!)... I give you:
One post to rule them all
One post to find them
One post to bring them all
and in the darkness bind them!
I am known for being hard on myself and holding the bar higher then most & it's simply a part of my personality. Always was, always will be. It's part of why I had 3 majors when I was a Division I rower at the University of Kansas. It's part of why I have trouble to this day with my own body's uncooperative behavior and still try to control the uncontrollable. I have realized that control is not necessarily a bad thing, though it is often referred to negatively. I am a
totally self imposed, and much loved. The idea of writing daily was never taxing. However perhaps I should have considered if it would be taxing to try to do so if & when things got any worse or more complicated, which I have totally come to expect.
My Lyme journey is not something to delve into tonight. Not on this end anyways. But it's been 12 yrs & this past year I have made real progress with my physical health, and independence & have some income now regularly even if it isn't much. It is better then doing something for a few weeks & then leaving or being told that 'you are smart, great with people, dedicated and responsible... we love having you here! You have great social skills & enthusiasm but... BUT...
'yeah. I know...'
If you ever get better PLEASE return to us...
'uh huh. I will see what I can do...'
It isn't personal at all & wish there was another option.But...
SIGH. "I know". I don't know anything for long- that's the problem. I don't know what will happen or won't; what I may be capable of vs what I will be setting myself up for failure if I commit to. You don't know unless you try - that is true but when you try and fail that saying does not seem nearly as inspiring!
Sadly there is no instruction manual for your chronic Lyme, Many of you know this story in varying versions depending on where in the world you are, if you are the main character or a supporting Actor/Actress in this narrative, and of course stories change the minute they become told. There are flourishes and omissions and perspectives and lies and opinions and truths. Sometimes the character gets a chance to share part of the truth. And that is something I expected to do more of with the blog - more of my personal stories - even bits of the horrors I've had to handle; if it's serving another purpose then just relaying personal details to strangers then I can handle that - if it's part of a unique & personal story,example, symptom, issue or will do us some justice simply b being out there in all it's horror for people to pay attention to and say "hey we need to figure this Lyme business out. It's serious!" then it's worth it. That is part of my new chapter for sure. I now realize that this whim is useful to others. Like a lot of others & anywhere we share the illness &/or the politics & greed behind this shameful scandal in our human and national histories, we share a history & hope for the future. I wish I had realized what power I had simply by surviving - I am a survivor as we speak of the Lyme spirochete. I am a victim of bureaucratic bullshit, corporate greed, human apathy, and worst of all of the idea that some of "us" are disposable. If I wasn't one those types prior to the Lyme I am now for sure. Not just in society either. We have all been disposed of emotionally, physically, financially, medically & even those who help us don't hand out empathy & understanding & kindness... it's mistrust, misunderstanding, & their constant thinking that it's something else, or it's Lyme & something else or you can fix this but not that or you should be able to...
How often do we hear this? SHOULD? I always want to say "according to?". And see if they say "our Lord & maker" or a "democratic government health" organization. It's an oxymoron any way you put them together. According to... You & the government can team up and tell us all the "should's and should not's". Then for research purposes please allow us to administer a small dose of Lyme to you & in one year please return and tell me all of them again before you begin treatment. I am serious. Man up! You should be able to handle it. If I can - you should...
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You should be able to!
Well just when I started getting some should and should not-ists out of here I began picking up their reins. I didn't realize how easy it is to get hooked on should's. It is like you use it one time and befor eyou know it, you are shoulding 20-30 times a day. It is serious. Sometimes it results in severe dependency & when you spend all your time doing that you aren't focusing on proactive & POSSIBLE ways to help yourself, help others, educate people, build relationships, learn about nutrition & health, or the thing that Lyme made us all put last in line regularly: take care of you. I mean CARE & that ain't in a bag of saline or a bottle of pills either. It's midfulness, it's friends, it's prayer, it's breathing, it's relaxation. It's the ability to lose the Lyme identity for any amount of time; to stop thinking about it, fighting it, handling it or not handling it because you can't treat yourself! It's becoming yourself without it temporarily as a mental vacation which also allows you to regain your footing and take some control away from the bacteria again. It's hard to do & the worse you are the harder it becomes. The should's just become all ou think about 24/7 & before you know it 12 years have gone by. You need to stop shoulding. You need to tell others around to stop. If they won't you need to distance yourself. The shoulds often come from those closest to us - I do know what I am asking. But a life of imposed ideas and identites on top of this disease... trust me it won't fix itself. If you try to fix it in yourself you may suceed but until someone else is ready you can't save them. And they take you down with them. Actually they put you down inste - you are rarely "with them" because you're so focused on the defense against should's.
But there is hope!
Here at BETWEEN HEALTH & WEALTH AVENUES we will help each other in a supportive community dedicated to having healthy thoughts & words with ourselves and others. There is should rehabilitation through BH&WA internationational support for members. It is provided free of charge not because we can afford to hand out free help being a lymie oursleves but because it is a way of justice for us all until these Lyme Wars end. They should...soon as all the decision makers have someone who suffers this somehow - someone they didn't make certain was on the guest list... perhaps a friend, a lover, a child's friend or lover (a grown child please.) or someone who just didn't catch it early or treat it long enough & not due to policy or lack of coverage just because it is a devestating, progressing, thought changing, life altering, and painful disease. And the world watches and waits for the day someone gets up who has the power and authority to begin broad and fast changes to this corruption & cover up. Mark my words - it's coming soon. We should be ashamed already & I don't even know what the uncovery will uncover exactly. Believe me I have many ideas & won't be at all surprised by a number of things when they come tumbling down but I am waiting for THE thing. THE UNKNOWN that will make me gasp. Is it an STD? Did it come from our own hands; is it a man made weapon we invented right here to battle communists with? Is it an experiment? How long & how much money is worth this loss, this suffering, this struggle. I bet it's billions. I truly believe if we have to prove it's chroni then they need to prove it isn't. Treat us all. Prove it! Or just give all policy makers and their families a required summer of camping in connecticut & promise each member a full month of antibiotics. No doubt their certainty will waiver. At least it should.
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THIS HOLIDAY SEASON PLEASE TALK RESPONSIBLY. DON'T SHOULD & SPEAK NOT EVEN TO YOURSELF!!!! HAVE A WONDERFUL CHRISTMAS AND THANK YOU FOR BEING MY COMPANIONS AND SUPPORTERS IN ADDITION TO GIVING ME A VOICE. WE ARE AWESOME AND TOGETHER WE WILL BRING DOWN THE CAVE TROLLS! HAPPY HOLIDAYS EVERYONE AND HOPE YOU ENJOYED THE SOLSTICE, HANNUKAH, KWANZA, AND LET'S JUST THROW IN A MERRY RAMADAN FOR GOOD MEASURE WITH THE ABRAHAMIC TRADITIONS ON THIS HOLIDAY OCCASION. REMEMBER THIS IS NOT FOR US TO CHOOSE - WE ALL WISH THE LYME HADN'T COME TO US; WE STILL HAVE TO CHOOSE WHAT TO DO WITH THE TIME THAT IS GIVEN TO US. I CHOOSE TO BE PROACTIVE AND TO TRY TO GET MY SHOULD'S SOBER-BUT THE WORST OFFENDERS AREN'T OURSELVES BUT OUTSIDERS SO KEEP YOUR HEAD UP, EAT WELL & REMEMBER YOU BELONG HERE & ARE NEVER ALONE! PLEASE CLICK JOIN THIS SITE OR "FOLLOW" TO THE RIGHT AND YOU WE OFFICIALLY BECOME ONE ANTI-SPIROCHETE & ANTI-SHOULD CAMPAIGN.
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MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL. Y'ALL COME BACK NOW YA HEAR? Kyrie Eleison. Listen to your body, to your friends, to your supports, to the angels and your instinct. Learn not to listen to the should's. We'll do it together. Look at what we can get through when we decide to be hardcore. ONE POST TO RULE THEM ALL... ONE POST THAT RULES; that's what I want to end with but officially I will end with:
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