Alrighty folks today's lesson is an important one - or it has been for me anyways. Getting past your shame and humiliation when you battle mental illness, physical disabilities, neurological disorders, chronic pain or chronic illness. I don't have one those "5 steps to feeling no shame" tricks to offer... in fact I battle this fear and shame myself regularly. What i have found enormously helpful is sharing these feelings. Some people do well with support groups, AA, NA, online groups etc - I have benefited from some of these but what I am gaining from the most is this: my blogging. Sometimes the process of helping, helps you learn how to help yourself. Weird huh? But that's exactly what's happening - and because I have thousands of readers now there is a different sort of accountability happening.
Even when I am feeling blue I try to come up with something positive to share with you! I don't force it which is why sometimes I don't post. If my Lyme is entering the 7th level of hell and typing is impossible I try not to fret but I do find myself taking those horrid experiences and thinking "hhmm this could make for a great post" - not the struggles themselves or the personal and embarrassing stories necessarily but the ways I cope. Sometimes that means holding on for dear life. Sometimes I talk to myself like a coach or a cheerleader: "Come on Audrey one foot in front of the other." Or "no pain no gain" or "Mind OVER matter!" and little by little I progress up the stairs or to the bathroom or to the sink to get some water - even when I turn around and drop the cup of water and have to start all over again! Little by little I do what I can. It helps me and it helps those around me to see what it truly means to battle; to be a Lyme Warrior so that when I do ask for help they know it's not from laziness or habit - quite the opposite.
And so I find myself sharing my thoughts, experiences, hopes and fears with the world in a manner of speaking and helping myself and others at the same time. I may feel embarrassment, insecurity and shame especially when my bodies twitching or I have trouble swallowing or talking but I am empowered by what I've survived and continue to survive and that's worth more then I can possibly explain! I'm a ashamed of my symptoms, of the body when I can't control it. I AM NOT ASHAMED OF MYSELF, OF MY WORDS AND ACTIONS, OF MY GROWTH, STAMINA OR COURAGE. You should try to differentiate these things in your own life to begin loving yourself - all of yourself, illness and ugliness included. And that's the advice I have to offer today!
I wish you a happy, healthy and healing day full of sunshine and hope! Y'all come back now ya hear?
Much Peace, Audrey
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