Howdy friends! I have had a very tough 8 days. In fact if it wasn't for the help of my brother and parents I wonder how I would have faired last week. They supported me, brought me food, water, and medicine as needed and though we had a few awful fights we made it. I struggle with keeping my emotions in check when I am in pain - and I made some mistakes. I said and did things that hurt my family for which I am sorry. Many of us struggle with this - at point is the anger "your doing" and at what point do you let it go and realize it's being done to you not by you? Accountability is important. I'm not here to make excuses but I carry so much guilt and shame already I don't want to borrow trouble. So I said my apology and meant it and I have to live with the consequences. We all do when we let our emotions get the better of us. As the flare winds down (thankfully) I am left with a bit of a mess to clean up - messages need to be listened to, calls need to be returned, orders have to be placed, and friends have to contacted. This last task is a big deal! For years and years I isolated myself off not just from the "real world" but from social media also. I was so afraid of having people ask - "so what do you do for work", or "are you married?"; "do have kids yet?" and knowing that I didn't want these questions - they were painful and so I distanced myself. I fell off the map. This year I am working everyday to battle those demons - the ones that whisper - "you aren't good enough... you have nothing to show for your life. You are not a success." Well I still hear them and wish they would just leave me be forever. But this is a war & I need remain ever vigilant against any threat to my health & well being especially the ones that get inside your mind and play with your emotions and make you fell unworthy.
18 months ago I realize if I had disappeared, from lack of a better word, for 8 or 9 days it's likely that no more then 3 people would have known. The 3 people who were nearest to me physically & whom I had to call on for help. When I got online last night and saw 200+ facebook notifications, 6 people waiting to join my facebook page & that my blog had finally surpassed 10,000 readers I should have felt satisfied. Look at the progress I have made. People know and care about me. For a moment I got overwhelmed and was tempted to just log off and deal with it all later. But something hit me in that moment - Hello Audrey! Isn't this progress. Isn't this a clear indicator that all the work you do and have done to un-isolate has worked. Not just worked but surpassed your wildest dreams. I have a support system - I actually have a few now. And while I never want to let anyone down especially my readers and the other chronic illness warriors out there - when I began reading my messages I did not feel even once like I had let people down. I felt sympathy, empathy, encouragement, and love. I felt genuine support. Imagine going from 3 family members at their wits end in their effort to help me, to thousands of people from all over the world sending me good wishes and strength? WOW! If that's not progress I don't know what is. If I could have smacked myself up the head for being so foolish I would have.
I have done so much work for myself and others and look what we all have to show for it. And so today I humbly thank you and also encourage to step out of the darkness of isolation and into the bright cheery, ad yes sometimes painful big beautiful world out there - even with your disease and disabilities. The world is waiting to welcome you back into its loving embrace. Don't turn your back on it again! Be strong! It's time to come out of the dark dear friends! If I can do it so can you! We'll do it together. Wishing you a day of happiness, health, healing and above all hope - may your cup runneth over with hope! Y'all come back now you hear? Peace, Audrey
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