Climb every mountain... wait a minute... That sounds hard: Between Chronic illness & Confidence.
Freshmen Year Lessons- Between Health & Wealth Avenues
I have confidence in Lyme disease, in my friends and family and fellow Juice Plus+ & Tower Garden Reps. I have confidence in my readers and in our community both online and out in the world. I have confidence in my ability to teach myself all the technology I missed out on in my 7 years in the deep dark Lyme wilderness. I have confidence in organics & food I grow myself, and I have confidence I will climb this dang Mountain!Even I can't turn that into a catch phrase. They are now both huge parts of my life. One helps heal with whole food nutrition, the other... well, the other is the Lyme bacteria -(New & improved! All natural! Safe & effective!)
The irony is one of these things could kill me, the other could save my life. After a year of Juice Plus+, of blogging, of breaking the barriers down between myself and the world I am not at all content with my progress in some areas of life. BUT I am genuinely pleased with people and projects I am now a part of - and committed to this huge year of self discovery, nutrition education, and above all sharing & seeking as much knowledge as possible while I am physically able to. I have inspiration, drive, passion and purpose again.
I have confidence we will wage a great battle and be courageous and cunning if necessary but not conniving or corrupt. I have confidence we will try to fight fiction with facts - not that it will work but that we will play our part to the best of our abilities proving once and for all that climbing those mountains makes for healthier civilizations then counting that money(and then transferring to an offshore account). Besides you can count it at the top of the mountain too - money is transient. Mountains are not. Climb the mountains alone - others will join you at the top. Eventually... But the climb is a solo project. And it's ongoing. Trust me keep climbing, have confidence and strength and as long as you focus on the mountain - you won't worry so much about your mole hills or the ticks the moles carry. (How's that mixed metaphors! I am the mix mistress eh?)
I know I have progressed because I see a future now with Lyme... I am sooo not happy about it but it's not something I could envision a year and a half ago though I tried desperately to find a way to dig out of this mess and into a place with decent health care. I even considered advertising for foreign suitors - who had great health care and contacts to advanced studies of bacteria, bio films, tick research, neurology, and other particularly useful topics for self help. I decided I didn't want to be saved - I was willing to save myself with the cards in hand & a great bluff. I didn't go through with it but for a PTSD survivor to consider online auctions for HEALTH? Well let's just say I am not done climbing this one - not at all.
Imagine if this Lyme gave me a break... more of a break I mean. I should not make light of how far I have come. I can walk - no canes or walkers. I can eat & leave the house mostly - and have avoided Er's for 13 months. That has been the GIFT of my nutrition adventures with Juice Plus+ and going gluten free, non GMO and much more. That is health that wasn't there before. I spent plenty of nights in the hospitals of New York and New England - too many to want to recall. I am thankful for this gift. Very thankful.
But IF the Lyme did decide this town ain't big enough for the both of us and got the heck out of Dodge... I would be elated. (I was born in Kansas people... some puns & cliches are too good to pass up these days - don't fight it!) I would be ecstatic. I would KNOW that I do exist separately from the spirochete bacteria... oh lordy don't go there Audrey. There's a reason I stopped hoping and wanting and talking and typing and being comfortable with myself (yes even when by myself) and started feeling ashamed more then afraid of my illness all those years ago. I am adjusting to life with my misbehaving brain and body to his day. Who isn't right?
I will adjust til the day I depart too. But adjustments allow for advancements. And in the past year I have done some things, a lot of things I never even dreamed of - but never doubted I was capable of either. I am truly one of the hardest working and determined people I know. I have a lot I am proud of - little to "show" for the last year. I am from the world where we evaluate each other based on your advanced degrees, your dollars and what you drive. The rest is hippie shit. Therefore I am a failure. And I am selfish for being sick so long and for bankrupting others with my loans for school and medical bills. I am a terrible person - obviously.
You are probably pretty terrible yourself if I have you're attention. We are all terrible burdens right? And worse still we don't shut up about our problems... remember folks part of what separates us is the process of self realization and education we have to go through to survive now - with or without Lyme - if we are not independently wealthy and part of the families who control Food, Drugs, Banks, Media, Oil, and Weapons then like it our not you'll have to stand and be counted, and stand for something bigger then your emotions and ego folks! We have to be smarter and stronger to have any success in any of our fights!
I have nothing on my resume or in my bank account to reflect this - to measure my worth... I know that for many hard working Americans this means I am a nobody; a failure; a has been; a lost cause. Believe me I fight my own self loathings and criticisms like everyone else. But I am fighting again. And if there's one thing I am glad I didn't know a year ago it's this... you may get tougher, faster, stronger, smarter, and even better but when you are fighting for yourself, by yourself to LIVE instead of to not die, you are never going to let up. It's a great thing with great wisdom and constant learning and growth. Fighting without understanding how or why or for what except that you don't want to go down like this - it's a lot of motivation, sure. But it's not even close to fighting with a purpose beyond yourself and your sickness - and it is a blessing to feel capable, helpful, important and impassioned. It's also impossible to take a vacation from so word to the wise - take a long weekend soon because you aren't going to rest once you feel yourself rising. Climb that mountain my friend. I'm right behind you
If I could magically make the whole Lyme epidemic stop spreading I would even if it meant being publicly ridiculed and robbed of the chance to redeem myself in this lifetime - I'd do it. Even if it meant apologizing to the CDC for being mean to them & never speaking against them again - I'd suffer through, if it would end. And believe me when I volunteer to shut my mouth or try and appear apathetic or average ... that'd be about the same as volunteering to give 99% of your earnings away for those of you who have experienced life without massive debt or despair. It's almost all I have to give. I don't say this gloomily though. I am proud to have my words, my writing, my wacky humor, and wild impulses back. They share the stage with all those other emotions (the visiting relatives you can't stand yet somehow stay with every year - and remain standing in the end! You know doubt, fear, envy, remorse, ire, disappointment - those relatives. Well they are far from gone - but every time I acknowledge them to myself, to others, to you I am stepping up to the plate... again. If I wasn't going to keep swinging I would have hid in the dugout long ago. Nobody wants to struggle with ugly illness, economic angst and personal tragedy - when it happens nobody wants to be on stage for it... do they? When was the last time you saw someone sobbing and simultaneously trying to make their own shame and pain into a spectacle - actually trying to suffer as spectacularly as possible while sharing their struggle with the world? It's just not our natural impulse. So to go through that and be able to time and time again share the struggle is something I am proud of. I am not seeking applause or praise here - I know where I was and where I've been in the last year. It's all incredible - my strength amazes me.
I realize it's not MINE. It's God's grace. It's your love, support and even your struggle - right now - it is feeling connected to the world again and occasionally - it's feeling physically healthier then I have in a decade or more and so much more... It's climbing confidently even when you're completely incompetent.
It's your battleS and there's no guarantee you'll win any of them- there may not be a clear end to it in your lifetime. I believe most of us face this in some way, shape or form by the end of life. We truly stop wanting to Live and stop fighting but somehow right before we give into the doubt, fear and uncertainty something makes us pause. Then we simply try to appear like we are holding it together for the sake of others and out of responsibility and routine or we end up dancing between this and the edge; the end of self... and somehow we decide to go head to head with the darkness - knowing it could win either way.
I can't explain it- and it's not a single moment - it's a climb also. A creeping vine of hope and healing and purpose... Just hold fast dear one. Have confidence!
If you fight though, if you try really hard at anything, if you are doing it for yourself, & it's for no reason except to survival you may feel like you "have to" succeed. You must. If you bet your life and you lose... oh man. If you bet on your purpose, one your passion, on your confidence and climbing abilities - you bet on yourself and you battle abilities. It's not fear or dread that drives you - it's excitement, anticipation and hope.
You know that don't you? You know that the only thing worse then trying and failing, is trying, trying, falling, rising and fighting... like a bad ass... and then failing. Yup that's pretty much the only way that fighting for yourself could end up making you more miserable in the long term and this is life people - it's entirely possible. SO you can decide today, and tomorrow, and next week, and everyday of your life to fight and perhaps you'll amaze yourself with your strength and stamina and perhaps you'll be amazed but nobody else will be there to notice, and perhaps all this will happen and you will... not win.
Yeah that's why people hide their shame, suffering, and sickness often. It's too much to go through as is... imagining going through all this and more, and for many many more weeks and years and making it nowhere and having nobody in the end - well I think you get it. But my friends I have realized the thing that makes fighting so fantastic (frustrating and tiring and never ending though) is you don't have a lot to consider - it's not researched and nobody shows up to give you an estimate either. It's invigorating. It's primal. It's the fight to LIVE, and not just stay breathing. It's no holds barred. It's raw and ugly and therefore honest. It's everything that we have tried desperately to escape as humans - we have tried so hard to escape this moment that we will do anything, buy anything, be anything just to ensure that in the end whatever or whoever we fight will not defeat us due to lack of effort or enthusiasm. We will give a great effort and have a legacy - something great to leave behind even if it's just a great effort, a great battle, a great heart and a great story.
But you don't get great by cutting corners - nope there's a long lonely climb to greatness and I have a feeling if I ever get there myself I will stop and enjoy the view. And probably look for the next highest peak before I move on - I won't even mean to - I won't want to - I don't even like climbing but if I don't continue to step up even when the mountain is too steep - what am I left with? If I don't climb, and I don't fight then I fall. There's not a lot of middle ground now. I'm in this mess like it or not and no matter who is to blame, what failed, how bad the directions or advice were, or why it happened here I am... I just have to aim high and keep climbing with confidence.
I have climbed all year, done more then I thought possible and am healthier and more hopeful then ever but so far from being self sufficient, reliable, independent, and in control of my life and lyme somehow it feels like I haven't advanced, like I have too little to show show for such great effort, strength and understanding. I resist this because I have to learn to celebrate milestones when mountain climbing and also because so much of that is tied to money & I am worrying about it more now that I have a little coming in from my business then I could handle when I had nothing coming in but more hospital bills, and collection notices. I think I am healthy enough to start worrying about more then my immediate physical and mental situation which is a great sign and long overdue - but it feels like I have been going all year and I just go to the starting line. Oh well - there's no turning back now. When you're climbing a mountain - suddenly you realize - you fight or you fall - either way the mountain will survive longer then you. You aren't fighting the mountain. You are fighting your fears and your fatigue and your faithlessness; you are fighting your own limitations, your own feelings, thoughts, frustrations and also fighting the elements. You are fighting to survive in mind and body and if you don't focus on the fight you will fall or fail.
And suddenly I get it - again - no amount of money, fame or success can make you strong enough, smart enough and focused enough to guarantee you won't fall. Nothing can prepare you for the mountain but those who have spent a lot of time climbing have the better chance of survival I'd bet. Here I thought that those who didn't battle were lucky - were to be envied when perhaps they are to be pitied instead. Maybe in the end what matters is who gave up LAST; who who fought for themselves, but fought for others first, who spoke with the voice God gave them while the rest of the world counts currency while mumbling and mincing words.
I haven't gone far but it's been a year and I have yet to fall, fail or give into my fears. 2 steps forward, 2 steps back... well maybe. I kept my footing - barely and not without help- but I have not lost ground and with the magnitude of this mountain that's probably a win. I have no idea how I will survive but I believe I will fight for myself & others no matter what comes at me and with that thought I must ask if you aren't fighting for your life and for the lives of others - and climbing mountains, literally or figuratively, in your life maybe you should be...
Who do you think has what it takes to survive this cliffhanger? Who do you think will reach the top? Who do you have confidence in Audrey?
For the first time in a long long time I cautiously and timidly answer - maybe... me
Have a happy, healthy and healing day my friends. Phew! - Audrey
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