Others don't know what you know now.
It's true.
You don't know what you don't know. Until you know otherwise. Correct?
I know a lot about my Lyme - not as much about myself though. I never thought I'd co-exist with Lyme. And I never thought "co-existing" would be so damn hard, and be so physically, mentally and emotionally demanding. I ALMOST wish for time to just veg out in my PJ's and watch a movie - except that after all these years, all these sleepless nights, and living so many nightmares even vegging out is work. It's hard to find the right mix of elements - I can't be handling my Lyme, health care, bills, housing, businesses and blogs - by myself and with $11 in my account and boxes of medical bills (with more in the future!) and be a decent person and write a book, and be awesome on occasion and cook organic deliciousness, and share Lyme or nutrition info and teach myself each and everything I am using for business, blogging, and building a customer base through trial and error (from this blog to twitter, widgets and ad codes, and apps - oh my!) because I can't afford the $10 a month to have someone else build me a website and keep tabs on everything so I spend 10 months doing it myself...
I only tell you this - to be clear - because it should make it obvious to those who are really sick and really poor and really lonely that none of those things defines you and none of those things measure your worth or prevents you from being amazing and strong, informed and inspired. I would not have liked hearing that myself but I also didn't have the advantage of having anyone offer me advice, or sympathy and certainly didn't have any desire to be around anyone unless I could be normal. And we all feel this at first but after 7 years I am shocked at how many people didn't encourage me, didn't calm me or embrace me, and I mean people who you count on being there if you need them -activists, and Christians, and old friends and the well informed. No excuses there. And that's the place many of you are stuck. I am not free of it myself. But there is a way forward I am sure - despite giving up, giving in, or giving everyone hell for being such selfish, fake and half heart-ed friends, family, employees, politicians, physicians - you name it.
Don't let other people's judgement, misunderstanding and fear make you miserable. Be more then the disease. Set goals and achieve them. Period. Simple as that.
It's great to have goals. There's nothing wrong with doing a lot of things and working really hard but doing it all with Lyme in a span of 12 months while greatly improving your physical health - with nutrition - and being oblivious to the positive effects of your own nutrition adventure (which is now a business venture as well) & deciding one day to begin blogging when you had never read a single blog post in your life) starting a book, a home business or 2(with no home and no business starting a business financially speaking) has allowed me to do so many things I love but not in a fairy tale ending way - more like my life is a scene from "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" some days except it's bacteria in the brain that makes me act bonkers. I just decided to start doing and stopping wishing. I am busier then ever, perpetually overwhelmed and happier for it...
I think.
Unless... oh never mind the mind warp. The mental black hole.
Maybe the spirochetes have been in my brain for too long. Maybe they cause all the fear and loathing. They have mixed with my blood after all - yikes. That is a "bad mama jama" bacteria if ever there was one.When all the other bacterias would have given up and moved on give the spirochete is warming up - just about to bust a move to some James Brown - it just never stops. So if you had James Brown and Hunter S. Thompson battling inside your bacteria filled body and mind - you might get a little nuts right? Well that's what Freshmen Year at Health & Wealth University has been like. Sometimes it's bad-ass and break dancing - sometimes it's "bat country" making me batty.
So sorry to report that if you have been at the edge for awhile and creep back to sturdier and safer footing - that the bacteria will still be there. What's important is actually find yourself feeling a little hope, faith and energy for an alternative future - it will be a lot of work. No doubt. But it's the good type of work - something you think about, do and appreciate - not the way we think of work in America now where you do something you don't want to for someone else and they benefit more then you. No this is work but you are the first to benefit and then that spreads to others years. The future involves a lot more then what I thought - where all I do involves battling Chronic Lyme disease and not just internally - no... and losing. Losing on every front imaginable. Losing things I didn't know could be lost especially not from a tick bite... with a diagnosis... I am not losing anymore. I am taking back my life - with or without the spirochetes.
Grace anyone?
I found my voice again. Honestly, I didn't even realize it was missing all this time until I heard it again. I didn't miss writing, or dream of this. I didn't dream of working my ass off and having an inadequate amount still to pay rent. But I am earning, growing, learning, connecting and thinking. Oh yeah - and using my voice. Awesome. God gave it to me for a reason - maybe for health, wealth and humor - who knows, but I never thought how powerful it was while my body was functioning decently. Even in the past year I have had times where I've prayed to regain my ability to communicate properly and it makes me realize how precious it is and how pointless it is to mince words. I don't cut corners folks - I fought for my body, mind and spirit, I fight still. I don't need to use the time I have to make you comfortable, to lull you back to sleep, to make it easy to ignore the issues, to make myself comfortable with people I may have been friends with once but who ignore anything real, urgent or difficult while sharing and liking anything with kittens, guns or Jesus on it... and I am online all the time now. Yes I know that. I post, like, tweet, 1+ and blog all day - but I also talk to people. It is one of the best things starting a business made me do, honestly. I had less then 100 contacts on fb and 30 people in my address book 2 years ago - intentionally. I was encouraged to be out of sight, out of mind - we all are
. If we can't get well, then we should get lost right? I did & I thought it was right for years. I thought I should! I thought it was my burden and therefore I was a burden because that's what I've been made to think. Now I am stuck between knowing it's not right, being angry about it and being smart enough to realize that it's what 80% of the population would prefer most likely. Get better or get lost...
I am not here for them and neither are you. I would be in a former life. I was for years. I want to be. I want to make them happy and proud and comfortable but it's not right of them to ask that. I refuse to allow it to take over my survival instincts and basic needs. That's how you begin to make a come back. Right there.
And it hurts. It's hard. It will continue to be so. But it gets better if you start fighting for yourself and stop fighting against the bacteria, symptoms, and side effects you don't control - you stop trying to hide and start trying to heal. If people love you they will get on board. If they can't handle it - they are probably mad at you & the disease "as one" and that means you need distance from them.
You are not the disease - you have a hard enough time believing this. Don't allow anyone else to make to you feel like you are. Surviving means fighting, and fighting isn't something the timid or lazy do well at usually. So if you are not timid or lazy you should have no problem with a good fight for a good cause - and what better cause is there then healing yourself? You are not your disease. You are not diseased either. Your body is. You are perfect the way you are. And you are going to make it!!!
Anything you can do I can do better. right? Including suffering! Oh and blogging and protesting, and googling and tweeting, and selfie taking and encouraging.. oh and generally just being cool. Anything you can do I can do... whoa there. We know where this road goes... it's a deathtrap of big banks, big business, big breasted and bratty babes - it doesn't lead to the Promise land folks but it does promise you it knows the way, while you go in circles.
ANYTHING YOU CAN DO - I appreciate? What is this hippie shit huh? Really - come on Aud you got something better right?
Yup.
Awesome things we all do make us all awesome - awesome things you do inspire and awe me. Awesome things I do... wait you think I'm awesome? No way! That's awesome! -
We are some awesome... seriously.
for real.
We didn't know. Now we do. Pass it on people. Others don't know what you didn't know before. Others don't know what you know now. They deserve to know. Be the human elipses for Between Health & Wealth Avenues; stop being human eclipses whenever something shares your light. You don't need to overshadow anyone or anything. Even planets co-exist. Surely mere people can. You are going to make it my friend and you have nothing to be ashamed of. You don't need to apologize - other people do. You just need to live. Live awesomely!
You don't know what you don't know yet but you do know that you are worth it right? So act accordingly.
Have a happy, healthy and hopeful day my friend. Y'all come back now ya hear? Peace, Audrey
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