Until I see the piece in the light of day I won't know what I've done to myself but I know that what I am doing something incredibly difficult and public here for the right reasons. I still fear being seen so sick more then I fear the sickness itself... I can not improve as long as I am driven by what I am afraid of more then what I'm in need of. I am trying to accept myself both with and without my real disease. I am terrified but I'm facing my worst fear by making my worst night this month go public and go without touching it for as many days as possible.... here's journalism integrity freedom and truth - the whole truth and nothing but the truth on the heardest night of my last most recent Lyme flare up. It's a long and unedited diary entry during the disease attack and is still causing me anxiety, worry, humiliation, and a lot of negative feelings and worries so I may leave it up for day 15 or I may finally read it and freak out if I feel I made a huge error in judgement or faced to big a fear publicly... I will somehow continue NOT to read this just until tomorrow I accept the fact that it is not important if it's deleted right now because 1 it still happened 2 you still shared it 3 you still face the same demons by thinking about disease in terms of decisions you make which can either be your sucesses or failures when the illness has nothing to do with your past, present or future options. It is what it is. I survived the fightnight, the flareup and the first attempt ever to face my truth mindfully and for my own healing

I believe this will help me to heal and possibly help someone out there who can't deal with their own mind tonight regardless of the reasoning to feel a little less insane or a lot less embarrassed and I don't need to know about it. I have faith that putting myself through this will help me get past my emotions and help someone someday who is ready to sabotage there future because they can't live like this. Yes you can. And better still you can live without it also.

You aren't either side of your illness remember. You might be ready to stop trying to survive. I'm here to remind you you already have survived this... why not stick around for the times without so much suffering so you can put your own story out there in your way and make another human being feel better simply because they see they are not the only person who is battling their symptoms. They can relate perhaps and therefore they can share the worst with at least one person one the planet and with this that person is me. My name is Audrey.

I have chronic Lyme and neurological Lyme as well as multiple infections from tick bite(s) and disease that were missed. Sought out, tested for and misdiagnosed from 2001 until 2005 to today actually. Until the US policy makers finally stop their lying, their policy decisions that created this 13 year affect from a treatable disease. A semi disposable but very mistreated and misunderstood bacteria that is like a cousin of syphilis. It is cork screw shaped like it's cousin and has 3 stages. It is a life long sentence like syphilis also... until death do us part... unless it's caught early and treated aggressively

Do you also have a chronic condition disease or injury?

Do you find yourself thinking that it is incredible that you have made it through your own past and survived your own sickness, symptoms, and serious illness or wounds? 

Are you struggling, as I am now, to get a life built for yourself with nothing to use as building blocks but your tenacity, intelligence, and refusal to live forever as you have been forced to live for way too long already - with long lasting damage from a disease you already knew had affected you or suspected was the guilty party but without a truthful diagnosis which any health policy or organization can refute but not disprove by any evidence or with any amount of pressure can their policy change our reality so it's a waiting game and an enormous number of people keep winding up where I have been completely by the fault of this crazy conspiracy effort. The question is who is conspiring and why would anyone continue with this amount of damage, this risk, the cost to country, community, and the world, unless they had something more powerful then a motivation for money and in my opinion that is self preservation - "self meaning both the individual or the responsible party for some travesty of enormous proportion or some shameful act they were recorded participating in or a mega conspiracy that even our new and way worse for wear since 9/11 became the only excuse we needed apparently to turn against each other not en mass but by being used abused lied to and misled from those people we most needed to become real leaders for our country we all clearly can see we have just become the front line in their was for the biggest basest most corrupt and above all most informed and prepared to fight our enemies both those currently in existence and the potential future enemy so basically America became a tyrannical police state we will probably see this in many more places besides Ferguson MO... and it's not a democratic blah blah everyone ideal anymore. It probably made the terrorism we experienced on 9/11 way too simple and painted the biggest boldest target on our backs by building the places we had designed to worship our non religious but divine and all powerful ruler to date. 

The dollar bill... until it loses enough value that our own corporations , governments, and leaders trade in their $ for something more valuable. Oh yeah we already have done that in almost every mufti million dollar international corporation that started in or by the people of America but now serves the  investors, the board members and basically whoever they want for however long they want until that person or group asks for honesty or fairness, legality, or humanity, right or wrong, and above all the desire to value the life of one more then the cost of business. 

The few who were at the top took this country from it's own right under our feet when the nation was prepared to show greatness and unity it was actually being robbed from all of us and we knew about the various ways monopolies were springing up overnight and what it could lead to but with the political power and extreme wealth behind this we could not afford to fight private fires with NYC firefighters especially when they lost so many on 9/11 those people were or American leadership and our leaders became or captors and the free country we believed could exist became a nation enslaved to the richest and not pretending to be our elected leaders and may be worried about the truth but since we clearly could not hold the people who took the wealth from the middle class in the wall street scam of the century we ain't up for arresting the officials we have corrupting our every crevice and no longer with as much concern or care as they pretended to have in the 90's.

 We showed our weakest link to our biggest enemy. We believed we could trust our leaders and they let us believe right through Iraq and why? Oil. For who? Them. And the way they did so... make the people think we are fighting for freedom and justice and take what we please from Iraq then from anyone in the country and... VOILA. 

You have reached 2014 in America 

before we know how fucked over we are and how much we ave lost and had taken from those we wanted to believe could be true elected leaders for a country that is not concerned with any of those ideals or willing to work for what they want and wait in line and share the winnings and respect our privacy and enforce the laws and somehow not become tyrannical then a land where we all turn on anyone and none of our old ideals, none of the values, and none of our claims are going to be accurate not by choice but when we are forced to fight for our land, water, freedom ,and if we seek justice we have to make it happen then take the fallout alone...can enjoy their money and freedom none of us can easily get ? It becomes the most important part of our plans after enough time spent living without our own wants our own space, our own people around for years sometimes while we handle the worst of this disease and others have to deal with the worst of you and the undiagnosed and invisible illness we know and feel and suffer from year in year out why those who should be most helpful, loving, or around during hard times usually aren't as a lot of you have learned or are also experiencing in your life. 

And then... 

That's the current situation and has been for hundreds of thousands of people with chronic Lyme here in America and believe me I am an expert not just from experience, but I have survived by becoming a researcher and reading the studies and studying the other lymies I Know in my own Sociological study and 100 page paper I wrote about social networks for people with chronic Lyme at Columbia University but never got published or kept going with because I had to stop my 3rd attempt at getting done with college once again due to some mysterious symptoms, signs, pains and problems I sought advice and expert opinion on as much as I attended school I guarantee I spent 30+ hours a week seeing Doctors, having tests and looking for answers once more without getting a diagnosis until well after the fact when it became impossible for even the worst MD using the oldest imagery and dullest blades to operate and then operate again 2 days later when the rest of the diagnosis made itself clear and started showing symptoms that the worst ER couldn't blame on mental illness and most ignorant person would know needed surgery if nothing else.

And that's my general story line during surgeries, symptoms, and the entirety of my long ass long term Lyme condition which improves noticeably this year why overwhelming me in brand new ways with unusual infections even for folks like me such as the recent result I got when I hauled ass to the ER instead of avoiding it like a creepy man in a playground... I know my lyme and trust myself 1st. I don't trust a particular physician to find anything except what I have already realized or been looking to get diagnosed for months and even years in the case of my mysterious back pain and stomach conditions that went on and on year after year until I lost my shot at a degree from Columbia and lost a lot of brain cells probably when the body that had been well imaged, studied and medicated kept making it's condition clear to the idiotic medical system that doesn't go seek what it can't find in the initial exam unless it is surgical or something they can see with medical imaging most of us have few reasons to hope we find that one MD who trusts you and goes through any and all possible medical conditions until they discover the big bad underlying ONE. The bacteria. The Lyme, The cause! And then... you're supposed to get better. That's what they said to me from the 2nd year I was still symptomatic to the 2nd time I went to see a neurologist to the 2nd time I demanded my blood tests go to a particular outside lab for testing and they lied to me and said their results were from that lab when they were from he same lab as my 1st blood work and said the same thing 

- no Lyme.

 Well when this was discovered I went ape shit at the lady who lied to my face and acted like I was some insane junkie or crazy lady who just made up stuff for attention. 13 years later I stopped expecting anything else and if I stumble on the medical attention and intelligence I have been seeking since this began that's great! It has not prevented me from being in emergency surgery for multiple gastrointestinal surgeries after my year at Columbia with severe and unresponsive back pain even with narcotics, epidurals, massage, and much much more I could not get a few days of pain free back days and had to start using a cane just to go to campus. Then to go to the corner, then to walk to the door until I had to have groceries carried to my apartment and deliveries made for everything and could not even get to campus and began to really feel that same self doubt and panic I had in the first few years I believe I had active Lyme but wasn't diagnosed so all sorts of stuff went haywire back to back and the only connection was ME so it must be me if no Doctor could find anything else and no psychiatrist could say it was a condition and no nurse could shake the instinct to keep you there and ask the next shift to run the same tests you had already or someone happened to be around when you should have been home free and all medicated post surgery and you were okay they came by and seconds later the stabbing pain then vomiting blood and the screaming I did for the next 49+ hours almost non-stop. Almost. And I was on morphine and given pain meds hourly why they tested this r checked that or considered this or ... again the cause could not be found. AGAIN! And once they opened me up it was quite another situation & I truly have no explanation and have sought answers now to these things especially the stuff I know should show up on MRI's or had enough signs of being broken that a professional who did their job or patient without a history"making up conditions" or being weird, dramatic or dishonest which I am truly not at least not with anything medical so finding these in my file so many times from those I expected and some I trusted is still a thorn in my side and possible explanation for the denials I have gotten for Social Security and disability. I also now know that Lyme isn't considered chronic by the policy makers and the officials who decide American policy for treating things like West Nile or Ebola, or the flu and of course Lyme has the best and most awesome of awesome offerings for people like me. It is Not Chronic! IT'S BEEN DECIDED

and if you try to prove it is they deny the application or insert things to suggest you suffer from psychological illness you may not have and they may have no right to mention or experience to warrant yet

then the same 2 days later this time the gallstones from it had hoped into the bile duct and again I knew they looked and could not find, doubted and sent a shrink why I am in the 14th hour of screaming and actually turned purple mom says from the nonstop pain suffering pain meds and no rest or nutrition after the 1st surgery and then the pancreas would have gone next had I not finally after another 3 days at the hospital for surgeries and hydration and IV meds and almost ended up without the pancreas too but I got a really good MD finally who did the only thing I can tell people to do for their health. 

Trust your instincts.

 NEVER STOP 

...even when 20 doctors can't find what you are telling them is happening you go with your first thought and go to as many people or places you need to make certain you have not been sent home as a mental health case when really you were surgical for over a year apparently and had surgeons looking at me in me and through me weekly seeking these things and missing the problem due to their specialization. They are back surgeons they don't look elsewhere. I had back pain caused by the seriously deadly gallbladder I had inside me for so long it must have been a real divine act to not have me die from that especially with all the meds I was taking to handle that pain why looking for the cause without finding it so take a problem and throw fuel on that fire now add some crude oil and maybe some alcohol and a propane tank and wait. Yeah the only way to deal with that organ in my body like that without dying was a obscene amount of serious pain killers all taken pretty much like prescribed, all of which I wanted to get off but first wanted to solve the problem that was causing me pain. 2+ years living this way meant 2+ years of pain killers mixed with a long overdue surgical necessity and for dessert... my diet was the worst ever that year because I was in so much pain and in NY and attending an iny league all at once - bada bing. I should have died so much earlier then they found the gallbladder apparently and  2 surgeons said so to my father and myself and that means something then do a bile duct encore then another and that's my non Lyme created condition that was caused by the Lyme medications I had to take for almost 3 years including so many antibiotics knowing their could be serious negatives to doing that so long I had no choice as the Lyme expert tried to explain to me often - if I wanted a chance at a life without memory loss, cognitive disorders and real damage from the disease and the treatment without letting the body fight the disease, heal , or get good rest and healing foods. If anyone had told me what I should eat, or how to improve my life and fast with a simple daily Juice Plus shake and the nutritional whole food supplements getting in me for a few months I'd done that 13 years back and avoided so much of the stomach stuff I can't imagine who much suffering I could have avoided or pain I could have prevented with the addition of fast and easy nutrition. I still think I would doubt it if I wasn't the person benefiting and fast from the 14 months I have taken it daily. I simply cannot believe how effective that is after so so so many meds and treatments and tries to get myself better. Just better in general. Specifics took years to experience and I never want to write all of that down or recall the majority of things I went through so moving on... now I am improving while handling 2 new diagnoses in the last year - Lyme encephalitis and one or two known co-infections like Bartonella showing up which never have before so that is life I know and I will deal if I can avoid the organ shit awhile I can handle the bacterial infections and deadly rare and hard to believe I am alive type of diagnosis like the encephalitis I and none of my doctors could figure out the source of or where and how it ended up in Audrey or who else might have the infection she had been in contact with. 
We are intelligent people working the puzzle and getting nowhere. 

That's my medical condition if ever I die of unknown causes or rarities or suspect excuses like suicide you all know I didn't die from these and the answers are here but nobody could deal with my superstar super diseases and unbelievable aspects and history until the saw the proof or had to deal with the affects on me at home etc... I expect to die of the easiest diagnoses and most common surgical conditions because nothing else would ever be found anyways - anything but common, or clear causes won't get tracked to the actual cause of my death. I knew it the night I returned to the ER vomiting blood and truly in a level of pain for the next 2.5 days without relief until I had accepted that I was going to die from something we all truly tried to find the source of and wanted to fix but nothing was found. They ran everything 2 times. They started to doubt me then a surgeon with swollen ego subbed for my M.D. over Easter Sunday and damn near sent me home with 19 gallstones in my bile duct shredding the tissue clean through and starting to do so in my pancreas also but for 2 days everything seemed fine, no test showed problems, and no image revealed a thing, I finally accepted I didn't want to die from medical malpractice or such simple procedures and common causes for the things I was complaining of but was dying and actually looking forward to just getting that pain to stop even if it was on that epidemically awful note for unknown causes and unrelated to my years of bacterial disease which I thought ws proof of my sub par physical ability to survive or handle sickness. Instead the Aud has lived through the worst and the unbelievable and the most horrible of horrible;e nights in pain or in an ambulance or awake and I never stopped trying find answers, reasons, proof or pain free life and guess what I am having a flare up and I am unhappy with it but this may be the first time I was not awake all night on September 11th acting insane with fever, anxiety, neurological affects, physical signs of stuff yet nothing fatal or surgical to interest the hospitals I went through trying to find help. And will not be looking for that type of help again in our E.R.'s or family Doctor's offices I learned this repeatedly and the hard way. Not their fault if I am a one of a kind lyme dime.

As you can understand me trying to plan and actively working for anything but feeling well, a degree, and housing, help and some comfort was totally unexpected yet it happened and continues to snowball in good ways why the health situation is more of avalanche sometimes then a snowball I am really trying build, move forward, heal and improve me inside and then as things begin to happen I hope I get to the outside too but for now it's 100 mph with strengthening my mind and building muscles I have never had to support he overtaxed body and to keep me moving forward instead of stuck as I have been a few times or maybe just once the whole time I have been ill and actively had the instinct of being seriously ill quashed so many times by those with education, expertise and abilities or equipment I couldn't have turned on and these good people who tried using their fancy methods and fastest possible test result methods didn't diagnose me faster or on time but missed things until I made them choose between trusting me and my instinct and words or sending me to pschy or another shuffle through a hospital without any help healing or useful knowledge coming out of the time and money I spent on these places. I cannot afford to doubt my own instincts again. I have almost died from conditions I had initially thought might be the cause but was tole no by Doc's and Imagery and not by me, my body, and my instinct. They can afford to tell me my gallbladder is fine and be wrong. They actually can afford all of it and I can afford nothing because of it all going in circles like this for months or years with a few things related or post Lyme bacteria introduction to this ecosystem I call "me". 

of any kind and quality time without being alone uncomfortable or under the care or roof of someone you would not otherwise choose to be cared for by or living with? 

???????????? AAAAAH!!!!!! 

...

Do you want to know what you must develop to move on to a better brighter and less complex self who has these struggles yet learns how best to handle each and every pain, problem and personal issue - the physical, emotional, spiritual and psychological and much more... I decided my newest task to get from here to where I want to be & it's going to really take some work not to mention I have to enforce my own rules and do regular activities in my irregular body and irregular life since contracting as most would say... Chronic Lyme disease and co-infections. I think I'll re name mine for this next phase of "let's find how to live with instead of in spite of this horrible hounding hideous hidden "illness" or "disease". I don't have Lyme anymore. I am now entering the elevated elite and calling myself Audrey primary care expert of self and Master of disease and near death moments

or

on these nights when I am awake, in pain, hard at work to do some things people have no idea even can be difficult to do  - not really. The personal experience is private and ugly, shameful and painful but above all it's yours and yours alone even if you have people in your life and living space and they love you and would help if they could actually make it easier to get your muscles to stop shaking, or get your brain to go to sleep after 3 or 4 days without any. This happens often and yes, trust me... I have tried _______________ (fill in the blank: sleeping pills, meditation, melatonin, marijuana and OTC's, even RX's for sleeping pills can fail if I am in the clutches of the flare up fascists who make everything so much work, and run me into the ground for what? The sleep I would like to have gotten the 1st night of a flare up but am never given any before the 4th sunrise anymore unless I seriously sought something for sleep out and it helps me actually get there before I would otherwise. The risks are high. I won't take them usually. I risk taking something and being affected by it chemically in a way that should make you sleep but the lyme prevents this so the over taxed and overwhelmed body and mind have now gone from bad to dangerous instead of delightfully sleeping by being compromised by chemicals without any sleep for however many hours and having to fight the neurological nuclear meltdown that often happens and I will leave for sharing with those who are unlucky enough to see, or attempt to sleep nearby during these awful experiences when I lose control of coordination, control of my thoughts, control of my words and the ability to PAUSE

pause & 2 & 3 & 4...

and just for practice Audrey

& stop! Hammertime: 

O O O O O O     O O        OOOOOO OOOOOH.... 

...and the whole dance M.C. Hammer does in the video during the chorus of "You Can't Touch this!" song flashes before me then stops. And I try, sometimes for awhile, simply to stop writing, talking, thinking and texting and raise my eyes and visualize the entire dance from start to the last little sideways super step he does. I know roughly how it looks in the 10 seconds on video but if I can't get myself to see him doing that dance all the way to the last verse I keep trying. This actually helps me because telling a injured body to heal doesn't help. Working through the injury can injure further & I have basically been doing this the entire time I have had neurological lyme I guess. 

Now it gets hard before it gets... harder perhaps. 

COOL! 

But if I feel I am progressing and I am getting stronger, sleeping sooner, or causing less chaos to others in the long run I know I was right to trust these self rehabilitation instincts which I can neither confirm nor deny after I thought about the things I was doing naturally over time when confronted with the 99th anxiety attack on night 3 of this Lyme neurological fdlare up

If I let myself post when I'm like this I may have regrets yes, and know I'll have a chapter length written piece the other Audrey (Docter Aud... the Lyme reduction "Doctor" and expert on personal therapy for helping yourself when in neurological physically psychologically and mental places that cause stress unhappiness anger depression fear and panic along with lots more.) 

These things are not controllable for the normal thought processes and cause chaos internally and emotionally why feeling like they will go on forever when you're right in the middle of your own flare up or malfuction. Maybe they will but always tell yourself one more & only one night more before help healing comfort and rest for your weariness should show up. You can't lie, you have to con yourself. Feel the emotion you'd have if that happened and say with positive and honest effort it IS quite possible you WILL just have the one more night and then be saved or at least out of harms way finally!

It is tough to do without getting angry or cynical or tellling yourself the right words why feeling the disbelief annoyance or self sabotaging shout outs from the TMX Lyme expert panel that must go out for coffee during these times when you are bury trying to focus on feeling something and thinking something and saying the affirmation or positive words aloud without losing the feeling first.

Confused?

Good.

I will read it tomorrow and see how I manage to just go on and on without so much as a comma for pages of writing but I decided that maybe this ramble on rambling Aud is a gift I have yet to open or appreciate. Maybe this is my own personal insanity that creates something original. Like painters, writers, composers and adeventures, teachers, activists, scientists and puzzle solvers. Like hunters and fishers and surfers and sufferers I am not here to win but to catch a good wave during the storm that's enough to last me awhile. It has to be because it's all that I can do and all the universe seems to offer me when out here with the water and waves waiting and wading in the deepest water with as many monsters as an Irish Sea and as mysterious a morning as the dawn of the Northern Lights. But I am no part of creation in this in between phase. 

I fight to retain that person with the mind development, thought exercises, and inability not unwillingness honestly, to give in before my time after 13 years of these nights and days and fights and so so many delays I won't give anything away. If the disease or deteriorated body takes something I have to learn how to deal and do so quickly and on the spot. 

This is my best September 11th night in 14 years actually. That I recall vividly. One day I may sleep on 9/11 - not sure that'd indicate healing or terminally ill and near death actually. The mind I have has given up a treasure chest of memories to me this evening form 9/11/01 which was probably the most difficult and terrifying "day" (really it went on to affect the entire semester & rest of my undergraduate studies however I now know I was actively showing over a dozen distinct signs of Lyme disease from the spring of 2001 onward some things became a part of my life and less productive, successful, sane and sober Lyme life which I guess means I should have a 13th Lyme a peal day party next year instead of celebrating it like a birthday or doing the morbid opposite think about the process of appeals and make it into a sort of court room testimony but end of a big case day and assume you finally win the appeal too! If you could appeal your symptoms, sickness and struggle how celebratory would that be? Imagine. 

Don't get all weird and start busting out the dollhouses and talking to toys when actively struggling to remain safe sane or sober either. Just a thought - just for the few psycho killers who have Lyme out there and stumble onto my genius here and think I'm saying "be insane! It's fun" let's clarify "stay sane. It won't be fun but is exceptionally useful for life post flare up or sharp intense stabbing pain moment... after the battle breaks up for now you want to be in as good and healthy a spot as you can to start the clean up and emotional roller coaster after you allow these things time and are capable of processing and pausing and stopping your thought process and negative self talk. I clearly cannot stop much in terms of thinking as you may be able to tell but I am truly like this non stop from dawn til day 3 4 even 5 when I fall asleep, fall down, or find myself somewhere weird and realize I was sleeping for a couple hours on the stairs or at the breakfast bar... the best is in a bathroom you were frequenting but didn't finish up in before the neurological lyme gave me the keys back and I finally went from day 1 fast forward speed to day 4 physically and hormonally in a matter of a few moments it seems. I couldn't stop myself from sleeping at those breaking points with all the drugs in South America. I would either nod off or have a stroke or some other finale fun times but I know I could not stop that catching up process once it finally starts up and begins to run itself. 

honestly my body is so thankful because I feel all the stuff I wanted to for days - cold. The temperature is often super freezing but I can't fell anything but hot - too hot - too awake - too many days - too hungry and dehydrated - too tired but never too passed out in a bathroom until my body can stop the sleep just enough so I can snap my head up open my eyes feel anything and wake at all. The process the body has to go through I can't explain but have experiencved and heard reports of from fmaily friends and nurses for years. The twicthing, moaning, eye movements, sounds other good times for all are soooo cool. Everyone should try tick toking today. And this is what I fear, hate and resist and try to prevent with my work on mindful lyme, insomnia resting and other word pairings most would never read and go... "OMG! I totally get what she means!" and that's okay. It's actually good. But I have to work through all aspects even the worst parts of this and that means recognizing and releasing the negative emotion I have attached to the experience someday and that could start today. It's possible I can heal like I can write like I can stay awake like I can fast forward 4 days and suddenly BOOM! Oh yeah this is how the body and brain would act on day 4 of wakefulness during a flare up.  - And cut to my nodding head. Edit out the next scene now you know what happens and ...

...24 hours later:

Audrey is home. (Actually it's like 10 hours sometimes now I am taking so much Juice Plus! I recover so quickly and stay healthy despite insomnia and weird body behaviors I would have gotten illness and injuries from by the 4th day in past years actually.) I didn't have flare ups for a few years it just went on with ellipses until it stopped started or mutated during which time I had too many Doctors, too many prescriptions, too much hope , and too little personal time spent on improving my mental strength, controlling my breath, and resisting whatever might help or make things a little less difficult because I didn't know anything about this neurological stuff and couldn't give up but could not go on 13 years in that condition & live to type the tale let alone recommend personal struggle, mind exercises and taking back my power during flare ups by going public with the exact thing I know will be embarassing waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too long and way too hard for anyone to read let alone find anything helpful or intelligent in here for their own struggles and step by step working out the things that keep us from lifting anything heavier. 

This means develop the mind, and muscles, practice and do "sets" during the worst parts of whatever ails you. Do it until it works or until you decide to do a different excersie. 2 options here: repeat until you do a few sets and feel the mind and body working and pushing itself in good ways before moving onto a variation or other mind excersise and mental fitness training excersise. Don't tell me you'll do it another time. This is when you are in it and will need to workout the muscles and practice the new things a healthy # of times and try to do sets over the day night week or flare up period etc. Not 3 sets of 10 like at the gym but see how tough it is to do a set of 6 fully then do 6. Now rest and come back. Can you do 6 again?

No way most of us can begin there when in their longest hardest loneliest and most devastating emotional states right? But as much as you have to handle you can use as weights for your training. If it's non stop that's okay. Grow stronger and you'll get stronger and work harder on the training you will get through the real life applications smoother, safer, saner, even faster! More healthy time less hurting time is worth some work right people. And start your brain trainer there. Those of you who got this far are either severely deranged, seriously intelligent or incredibly determined. If your just being polite you should get another reason for doing awesome stuff such as learning or challenging yourself or empathizing, even mentally preparing for the worst yourself just in case... all are good reasons to act. Manners are good. Nobody should feel motivation acting polite, avoiding embarrassment or trying to impress and you know this already. Now start training yourself to become motivated for better healthier stronger thoughts even if you act similar in both mindsets doing the same things with new reasons can change your life also.  

And with that I am feeling unusually willing and able to pause...
and as difficult as it is to believe this is proof of all my exercises over 2 days of migraines and Navy Seal 4x4x4 breathing and positive self talk and resisting harmful food drink and drug and not chain smoking or panicking or crying or ending up in the E.R. because my mind keeps going and going and going to the point that it's either illness, insanity or Old testament truths and possible all of the above.

I am ripping off the bandaid and hate doing this. I hate what I'm doing even as I get ready to plunge into the abyss of online posts pictures and personal ideas, moments and expereinces becoming public. Too public and that's not going to come back either. Your naked picture circles the globe. It doesn't come home to your drawer or camera or get returned to sender either. It circles the globe and crosses the globe and probably does for many years actually but the first round the web is usually the worst if you realize something went public when you wanted it to remain private, or at least shared only with close personal friends and readers. But i swear this is truly an experiment in healing and strengthening only to (ideally) jump off from my shameful embarrassed time of hiding out and feeling publicly seen and heard throughout the flare ups always. I am doing the only exerciser to try to get this emotion to break down and hopefully help me break free from the fear panick and stress induced rambling unfocused unending thoughts.

This is not one of those actually.

This has pauses, points, and provides my future self some strength I pray. A lot of explanations and some ongoing embarrassment probably after this hits the web and starts to go... possibly nowhere... but hopefully around the globe. Once is fine it can circle and stop if that's meant to be. If it doesn't then I can't really prove anything to myself for future therapy and technique for training the lame Lyme brain while trying not to go insane and climb on the roof to swing on the weathervane.

Okay its official I could have stopped 5 sentences back. That one was meant to be here and maybe this exerciser will prove helpful in other ways before I ever hit that post button and face the fears of putting things I want to hide into the light of day to show they aren't as scary or tough as you made them out to be. But in the dark, on day 2 officially though 3rd day with migraines fevers and no appetite no relaxation, no quenching this thirst yet. Maybe it won't be another day and night before I actually am asleep. And By God if I do sleep even one R.E.M cycle before dawn I will post this as is... wait. I will fix the spelling and add some flourishes with pictures etc so it becomes a blog post instead of a posted personal exercise I don't expect to like in the light of dawn yet instincts are not going to be ignored now.

 They may be all I have to guide me through the storm I'm in actually. My ship is sound but has been taken by pirate bacteria and I can't get her back without having some help so time for that band aid.

No spell check even for the first and worst publicly openly talking showing admitting and allowing myself to be this way without self loathing and paranoid hiding from eyes and minds that see and judge including my own. I am going to live but I won't like the feeling when I actually see this with a link and errors and the length in full and everything as it happened without any cover ups or comb overs. This is for myself to recognize the more embarrassing things I do say and feel now without pause.

Without pause

Years of this disease and the fact is the CDC and other government decision makers and vote casters are still claiming this disease IS NOT chronic. As if that'd be provable anyways. As if that's appropriate thinking with health organizations who decide who gets what diagnosis and what treatmetn and what government aid for chronic conditions. That's as simple as I can explain this. Research says repeatedly this is quite unfounded. It in fact is quite wrong and clearly not by mistake all this time it continues to go on preventing people like me the right treatment, proper diagnosis, and awareness of the severity of the disease as well as potential that it is a life sentence if it goes untreated too long. These would be great things to tell people who have new diagnosis and no knowledge so they get the serious and super long term aspect that comes from having the bacteria infect you without attacking it with medicine until it no longer shows symptoms or you can say you HAD Lyme. Past tense. Most of us are in the opposite camp and want very much to change that however we are not decision makers and we don't control the table of men who vote on this issue until the day they die or somebody finally takes the power away from 2 corrupt individuals working for multiple multi billion dollar multi conflicts of interests style too.

Threats. Blackmail. Fear tactics. Buying votes. and above all paying the people who are experts enough to say anything you tell them. Paying them and probably scaring them and threatening their kids and even worse. I don't need the details. Their actions speak loud enough. They are not going anywhere either for money or to protect their family or keep their secrets safe - who cares really. 2 people against 10 other Lyme representatives. None of which has Lyme. Most of which have finally been swayed and now vote for the chronic condition being recognized. Or this is what I have read and heard from undisclosed sources for the time being. It's wrong possibly but what is worse then spreading things without fact checking is...

oh shit... spreading Lyme disease misinformation without fact checking. Then refusing the facts when they check your wrong claims. Then simply holding out for years against piles of reasearch and multiple studies with none of your own. That isn't a conspiracy it's a cover up. I'd bet my spirochetes on it. It's damage control for someone possibly a whole country even. It's bigger then a corrupt compnay, or a government official being bought. It's really simple the world knows the truth they just have not allowed the truth any possible chance at coming out and may not in this lifetime but I bet the Lyme lies will let up in the coming year. I pray anyways. If you are willing to infect and affect millions of people with wrong diagnosis, prevent proper treatment and ensure long term severe illness for half a million new folks a year you aren't greedy or suffering a simple guilty concious. The rest of that Lyme policy board is full of wealthy elite deal makers with conflicts of interest and too much influence on politics and policy. They all got their votes right finally. It took years but they gave in. 2 people holding out means they are the last hold over the truth and only barrier between me and my rightful Social Security Disability check. 

Yes I do believe I have that right as a citizen with this sickness. A sickness I was misdiagnosed as NOT having and told repeatedly could not be chronic has finally gotten around to the truth telling part of this.

I made it all up. I have no disease at all.

I have positve tests but they prove nothing. I have negative tests which prove irrefutable evidence I am NOT sick and the bacteria IS NOT CHRONIC somehow the simple positve or negative sign has become a law for those with Lyme and who wrote the policy. The CDC and Lyme policy board of course who are made up of... people who make medicines, vaccines and billions every year doing all sorts of stuff to create medicine they profit from. To create profit. Skip the medicine part. We need medicine for Lyme but instead we get 532 new meds before we can say officially I am sick and it's chronic & I have a medical diagnosis... these 3 steps people do all the time when diagnosed with similar bacteria's but Lyme is a short term one time only sickness. It's unproven but it's policy so proof is irrelevant and the more insane the facts are the crazier the truth tellers become. And that includes me.

Good thing the policy can never be changed in the US by law.

Oh wait.

Nevermind.

We could actually vote it into law by referendum but that's never happening with the losing fight for Net neutrality and a nation of people who have Lyme or will someday we should attempt to stop the policy makers but I don't want anyone to disappear or worse get this non chronic disease accidentally so instead I remind you that none of this is fake. It may not be factual and no diagnosis can be made or disability given for what I continue to suffer from. This is the 13th year and my first unedited real life account of how I think, and what I go through besides twicthing and insomnia during those periods I disapppear from the web and say it's just a flare up. I don't go into the worst parts because of my embarassment and to protect people who aren't living like this for life and didn't know that Lyme could do this to people. Guess what I have been actively aggressively trying to treat it for 8 years and this truly is one of the best nights I can remember ever having while suffering a flare up. Because I can sit at the computer without falling of the rolling chair of banging repeatedly against the desk when my muscles spasm which is pretty much always . But tonight I can sit and type. I'm shaky but not jerking all over and I can keep my head still which means I can read, and apparently now I can say I even wrote a blog post while having a flare up. A totally uncut and compeletely honest 1st round diary of a difficult but much needed night when I took a dose of the much needed medicine I will hate possibly regret even but what choice is there but to trust myself, have courage and put all the fears out in the light so they seem less powerful. I see no other way to help myself and have waited over a decade to get my rightful diagnosis and this year it's my 4th attempt at getting disability for my disease. It's real but unrecognized and it's done with a purpose. A big purpose. More then money possibly if that makes sense. It could be that the reason this is happening is to keep some truth from coming out that surely will if thie policy is to properly test diagnose and treat Lyme asap until it's gone or the bacteria is dead. The damage after years like that though... that's not a disease or condition. You get that gift free from the CDC and US policy makers my friends. We all do.

Good thing we have evidence to back up all the medical policies made by companies and politcians along with some people with real degress in science I'm sure. But anyone like me making policy?Anyone making policy at all or is everyone simply being held hostage by power, money, greed, threats, secrets and shame...
I don't need a response from anyone in Washington. I already know. But I'm airing out my laundry online and doing it to my own embarassment and future pain to prove that no matter how bad the truth is you must acknowledge it and not privately or it can hold people hostage forever.

Look at the Lyme policy board. They managed to hold me along with their Lyme lies along with the truth along with millions of people both live and no longer alive who all have Lyme disease in common. But not one of them is sick enough long enough to make this policy change because the truth is the kep piece here. I am sharing the truth for the entire world and putting it online as is. This is my evidence that Lyme disease is not simply a short term easy to treat or small problem. I have worked my way from the hospital to the floor to the commputer and am somehow saying this all now while having a flare up and all while preparing to do something I don't want to. Something I know needs to be told but don't want to go through. I will not let my truth be my kidnapper instead I willingly give myself over to my biggest fear and future regret and all the truths I am about to share with the world. NOT EVEN A SPELL CHECK which believe me better result in something healing or some karma from heaven above or I will not be too keen tomorrow morning. I won't ever be keen on exposing my worst and most painful things publicly but for the sake of snaity, self healing and simple truths being told to prevent them from holding us hostage I let go of my fear and release this to the web. I already hate everything I am going to see later when I open the post. No pictures, tons of errors and can imagine it's about 25 pages long without edits but I am exposing the truth for myself and others with this disease and that's worth all the suffering and possible healing I'll gain after this is out in the world and I get responses. After almost 2 months I share my Lyme truth as it is happening with the world and hope you can believe the truth is ugly but not powerful unless we give it power. Let's take our fear from the equation and add a lot of truths especially the biggest one.

I have a Chronic disease which was not diagnosed due to false negatives on my Lyme test. I have had more negative results then positive results. I wonuld not say I was actively sick unless I still had symptoms. This week I have migraines, neurological damage on display, fever and chills insomnia tons of joint pain. mental foggy feeling and a ton of anxiety, no appetite and I am going into the 2nd dawn of the insomnia as usual. I have never been capable of sitting here during any flare ups over the past few years tyo my knowledge, not without rolling around or falling out the seat or twitching so I can't focus on the screen and read anything I am currently and gratefully capable of. That newfound ability could be a blip or miracle. It might also be the result of the self preservation attempts I'm really working on during these times. I can't do anything else so may as well get mentally buff and super strong for future flares and to pass the time why I wait for policy to change.
I share with the world my truth uncut.
Why can't the people who are supposed to work for health standards in America and protect people from cover ups let the truth be told so millions of us can be recognized as having the disease we already know exists and give our family and friends a medical diagnosis for our ongoing insanity instead of conspiracy theories and unedited posts. This is how truth goes. It's long and complex. You wish you had said this not that. You wish you left things out. You wish you didn't need to share parts of it with others and feel embarassed. You can't control it. you never expect to feel like it is not your fault and not necessary or right to hide anything I am actively facing but it feels like hell and looks like addiction and there's the whole lack of truth in our policy so this is about as healing as it can go for people with chronic Lyme in the USA.
Now don't comment on that simply find a way to change the policy. We have to find this instead of feeling fear pity shame or anger right now. I am now in the 13th year of lyme life. It's not impossible I could have some life someday with some correct diagnosis and some recognition of the disease. I may even be able to get some help from the government with disability claims for the Lyme but not before the policy is honest and done for the health and wellness of all people - that's their job no matter what the truth holds and how bad it's happening to so many people who should know this truth and have their eyes open before they end up in the 13th year of their own war with spirochetes in their brain and body until one or the other takes the win.
It's a little too late to say that you're sorry now you left me when I was down and you are our Disease control policy makers and center for protecting the public from these life altering or ending diseases. You have been let go due to failure to preform and we the people will make the policies we believe are truthful and for the common good. You are officiallycontroling truth and hiding evidence instead of using those to help the health of our country. I believe this makes you a traitor to the American people and you should be seen as our enemy and possible agents of espionage unless you can provide proof of your claim or tell the truth after all this time and actually change the policy based on that truth you will be seen as a threat to the American people including the half a million that are going to be diagnosed with Lyme or were in recent months and are US citizens. All those American people being told lies and denied the chance aggressively and properly treat the bacteria early on are victims of your most recent crime against our country and the world and as an American I have the right to choose not to be your slave and not too live in fear. I am both but tonight I publicly share the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

CDC it's your turn.